The Dlugosz Family Love Story

You could hear a pin drop. Silence filled the air. Strangers observed from a safe distance as we slowly sat across the table in the hotel. We were in another unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. All of this was unfamiliar to our son, but not unfamiliar to Ashley and me.

We had just gotten to Columbus for Micah’s doctors appointment. All adopted kids go through this complicated evaluation process within a few weeks of getting back. We decided to spend the night in a hotel because our trip was over 2 hours long and our appointment was early the next morning. With family in the area we decided that it might be a good idea for Micah to meet some of his cousins. We had originally planned to meet Ashely’s side of the family for lunch after the appointment on Friday the next day. Today was Thursday and Ashely’s brother took us up on our offer to meet the night before to meet our son.

My son Micah was silent the entire time. It was yet an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people and you just couldn’t help thinking that Micah was in survival mode wondering if we were going to give him up again. I whispered in his ear that I was his father, to not be afraid, and that it would be ok in whatever broken Mandarin I had written down from our last tour guide in China. Ashley’s brother’s family left the hotel but it wasn’t anything that we weren’t expecting.

The next day at lunch things were different. Micah came alive and was high-fiving people, smiling, and talking. A new level of trust was building again. It was like the base of a building settling into the foundation.

I could only watch my son as he navigated the weekend at grandma and grandpa’s house with hesitation and then bravery. It started off with a slow walk around their house with that look of hesitation while slowly picking up toys and glancing back at us to make sure we were still watching him. With moderate shyness he innocuously handed toys to his cousins to begin to get to know them.

I can only imagine what Joshua was thinking when he was commissioned to lead the people of Israel to the promised land in Deuteronomy 31, or Paul getting ready to head out on his missionary journey’s throughout the books of Acts, or Jesus sitting in anguish on the Mount of Olives with great drops of blood falling to the ground as the Cross was set before him.

I admire the bravery in all of these mighty acts. It puts things into perspective as I sometimes wallow in self-pity when the slightest hiccup in the road jostles the steering wheel out of my hands.

I sat watching my son that day knowing that everything was going to be ok even if he slipped and fell or had some sort of an accident. This time something familiar broke through to my heart and mind as I’ve told Micah and will continue to tell him, “Be strong and courageous…I will not leave you or forsake you.”(Deut 31:6,8)

“That’s Mama, that’s Baba, that’s Micah!” Like a lightbulb the brightness illuminates the entire car from the back of my old Camry. It’s like Christmas for him and us as parents. He’s strapped in his carseat and has his picture book between both hands and signals to us again. “That’s Mama, that’s Baba(Father), and that’s Micah!”

We are finally back in the states. We got in around 8:30pm on August 30th. We traveled about 22 hours. It was a long flight, but it went rather quickly as I cranked through the Hobbit trilogy and tried to keep myself occupied. Micah did well for a toddler! He slept a good amount on the flight, and played with Play-Doh and watched some movies without sound because the earbuds couldn’t fit into his ears.

The whole two week trip was incredibly difficult and of course very rewarding. We started our journey by flying into Beijing, China and got ourselves acclimated to the jet lag over the weekend of the 18th by touring the Great Wall, Tienanmen Square, and the Forbidden City. Monday morning was “Gotcha Day” as they call it and we took a bullet train to Shanxi west of Beijing. Our hearts were beating out of our chests as the clock ticked closer and closer to when we would meet Micah.

As we approached the Civil Affairs office on Monday the 20th, we saw a young boy sitting with a middle-aged man. Somehow we knew it was him. It was definitely far from one of those amazing “Touched by an Angel” episodes, where the bright light shines on Della Reese, dreams come true, and everyone is crying tears of joy. As we approached we came up to him slowly, knelt down, and showed him a stuffed bear and airplane we had bought for him. The caretaker softly spoke some words in Mandarin to Micah, which probably meant something like, “Here are your parents, I’m going to go now.” He screamed and clung to his caretaker, and it was an all out war. He was groaning and screaming and yelling for his caretaker. We stood there soaking it all in not really knowing what to do. We had waited 2 years for this and wanted to comfort him, love him, and hold him, but we couldn’t. 15 minutes seemed like an eternity, and finally the caretaker said something to him and left. Our guide seemed to think that the caretaker told him he would go to the car to grab something for him and come back but then never did. Micah was smart enough to know that the caretaker was outside and pointed outside and screamed more. He kept pulling people to the door and others had to prod him to come back inside. He was screaming, “UNCLE! UNCLE!” They called the men and women uncles and aunts at the orphanage where he was being kept.

During the entire fiasco, I was thinking “Son, this will be fine, you have no idea what you’re about to get, you’re going to get a two parent home, and a house with an acre where you can play, and your own room, and toys.” At that moment it hit me. I was staring straight into a mirror. I was Micah and this was exactly what I do to God on a regular basis. There is something better that God has for me that is incomprehensible and I have no idea what kind of an inheritance and blessings I will receive, and yet I’m still holding on to the familiar and facade of the joys of this world.

With much reluctance, things were resolved and they handed him over to me and we got in the van and we went back to the hotel. Micah was sobbing, and a soft moan probably meant he was comforting himself. He went limp in my arms, and there was nothing we could do except cry with him. Monday the 20th through Thursday the 23rd were incredibly difficult. Micah went into a full-blown depression and was screaming for days for his uncle and going limp in my arms. Ashley and I cried and cried for days until there were just no tears left to give. It’s normal for one child to attach to either parent and Micah(maybe because of my Asian background haha) picked me. It was hard on me because Micah couldn’t be left alone at all, he was strapped to me almost 24/7 unless trying to go down to sleep. I had him in a carrier and he went with me everywhere including the bathroom. He got to the point where he would grab toilet paper for me and attempt to rip it off and hand it to me.

Where one parent usually has suffocation the other has rejection. It was also incredibly challenging for Ashley because Micah wanted nothing to do with her at all. If she would reach for him he would push her away. Some women dream of becoming a lawyer or doctor when they are little, but Ashley’s dream has always been to be a wife and a mom. After waiting decades for this dream, she had to wait again. He was within arms grasp and Micah wanted nothing to do with her. This was incredibly eye opening for Ashley because it reminded her of her relationship with God also. She kept pursuing Micah even though he didn’t want any of her affections. What was even more of a difficult situation was seeing the other children bond faster with both parents. Ashley would sit at the dinner table and see the other couples passing their children back and forth while she had to watch me feed Micah from my lap.

We took an in country flight to Guangzhou on the 23rd where we would spend another week in China getting his visa. Every moment out of the depression and one step closer to trusting us were small victories. We’ll never forget his first smile at dinner, or Micah allowing Ashley to touch him for the first time, or hearing him giggle and laugh like a squeaky toy as we tickled him, or putting him down for the first time as we walked with him hand in hand to breakfast as all the other adopting families were staring in disbelief.

It was so divine to have the other couples on the trip who could identify with these struggles. We all laughed and cried together. There were six couples total and two couples were on their second adoption. Those families coached and encouraged us and it was such a Godsend to have them there.

Things have been improving greatly each day. We’ve seen huge strides with each passing moment as Micah learns to trust us for his basic needs, food, water, diaper change, and sleep…rinse and repeat. Micah is incredibly clever, timid, and a bit of a tease as he likes to joke with Ashley, and loves to help(for now haha). We’ve been on the road so much that when we get up he puts on his backpack and goes and gets our shoes for us. He has a huge fear of abandonment as expected, and just telling him in Mandarin that we won’t leave him and that we love him simply isn’t enough, he wants to see it with our actions.

A guy on our trip told us that these two weeks will be a fleeting moment compared to the rest of our lives. This is so true of the Christian life. “For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”(2 Corinthians 4:17)

Micah is still waking up in the middle of the night looking for comfort from the two people that he has begun to trust, with sweat pouring down his face in anguish as he yells, “BABA!”(this means Father in Mandarin). I had read about it in Dr. Moore’s book, but now the idea of being a father is becoming a reality.

(Russell Moore - Adopted for Life)

Up to that time, I had read the Abba cry passages in Romans and Galatians the same way I had heard them preached: as a gurgle of familiarity, the spiritual equivalent of an infant cooing “Papa” or “Daddy.” Relational intimacy is surely present in the texts—hence Paul’s choice of such a personal word as Abba—but this definitely isn’t sentimental. After all, Scripture tells us that Jesus’ Spirit lets our hearts cry “Abba, Father!” (Gal. 4:6). Jesus cries “Abba, Father” as he screams “with loud cries and tears” for deliverance in the Garden of Gethsemane (Heb. 5:7; Mark 14:36). Similarly, the doctrine of adoption shows us that we “groan” with the creation itself “as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies” (Rom. 8:23). It is the scream of the crucified.

Tomorrow is the big day! We head to his province in a few hours & will need to keep busy as we wait in anticipation to meet our son!

Yesterday, we finished the Beijing tour. Most of the families are operating on 3-5 hours of sleep a night, but the adrenaline has kicked in for all of us and we are so excited!

The hike up the Great Wall was mostly uphill. The stairs were spaced as much as a foot in some places. You’d get to one tower and think you’ve reached the peak, and then see a tower another 500 steps farther was looking down at you laughing. One false peak after the next. The Great Wall is an amazing metaphor for the adoption journey. It’s a difficult climb, but once you can see the top and know the view is waiting for you, it’s only just a few more steps.

Help the Dlugosz Adoption

It’s official! We will be leaving mid-August to go get our son! At this point it is very exciting, but still hard to believe. We would really appreciate prayers as we travel and meet our little guy. As excited as we are, we know it will be hard for him to leave the home he has known and be left with people he doesn’t know. Thank you so much for all the prayers and support over the past two years. We can’t wait to show everyone a picture of our son!!

Help the Dlugosz Adoption

Hello everyone! Now that we know who our son is, the big question is when do we go get him!? The rounds of paperwork at this stage are a bit confusing to me, so I can’t explain in detail, but I can say that we plan to travel in mid-August and there is a little wishful thinking on our part that it could possibly be in July! Here is a short overview of all that is happening and needs to happen:

China sent us a letter accepting us to adopt our son.

Homeland Security has given the approval for our son to come and live in the US.

We sent off our passports to get our visas for China and will soon fill out an application for our son to get his visa to come here

Here’s where it’s confusing to me, but then we get a letter saying our file has been sent to China. Once we have that our agency will send a packet to China. Then there is something called Article 5 that is dropped off and picked up. I think that happens in China and it will just give us a guideline of when to expect to travel. After that we get a travel invitation and a Consulate appointment.

Depending on the timing of that last part of this process and the groups that our agency sends to China, we could be grabbing our bags and running out the door with less than a weeks notice, or if we just missed a group, we’ll have about a month to prepare for our trip.

It’s very exciting and crazy to think we will be holding our son soon! At this point we would definitely appreciate prayers for us to continue to trust God’s timing, for safety during the travels, for our son as we go and take him from his home and that all goes well with the last parts of this process. Thank you!

“Are We There Yet?” It’s an inward and outward groaning that rings true in the ear of every person alive. Most people recognize it as the sound of a whiny child in the back seat of a soccer mom van on the way to any destination over five minutes. “No we are not almost there yet! We just got on the road!” You can see eyebrows angled down in the rear-view mirror as mama bear stews in the front seat over the annoyance. The groaning and complaining is like nails on a chalkboard!

evanandash.blogspot.com

Hello everyone! So, the good news is not a referral, but it is actually great news that helps not just us and other families who are adopting, but also helps orphans in China! We got this message from Bethany a couple days ago:

On December 7, 2017, the CCCWA announced to adoption agencies that the orphanage donation paid at the time of adoption registration (as listed on your China fee agreement) will no longer be required. This announcement is effective immediately. According to the announcement,

“Foreign adopters may donate out of free will to the child welfare institution AFTER the adoption registration is finalized. The donation shall be made on a VOLUNTARY basis, the donors shall have the right to decide on the quantity, purpose of use and form of donation, and the two parties shall make a donation agreement.”

So you will see the final amount we need to raise go down soon because of this announcement. This is so exciting on a few levels! First of all, it is a huge help for us and other families who are raising funds. It is also a stress relief to not have to walk around China with several thousand in cash that would just be handed over to the orphanage. Then, I mentioned it will help the children. The cash that used to be handed over was never really accounted for. Families had no say about it, they would just hand it over. Now, if we end up raising more than we absolutely need, we can make a donation and specify that we want that money to go towards food and/or medical needs for the kids who are still in that orphanage!

I hope we can soon post an update about our child. They told us in May it would likely be 6-12 months. So, hopefully in the next 5 months we’ll have more great news to share!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Support the Dlugosz Adoption

Once again, we are broken records. People ask for updates and we say, we’re just waiting! That may last for a month, or a year. We’re just trusting God’s timing.

However, we do know that our dossier has been translated! Celebrating the small updates! Also, for anyone who reads our blogs, we did post a new one today. www.evanandash.blogspot.com

Another short, and exciting, update! As of last Tuesday, we are officially logged in and now able to receive a referral! Time to wait, and trust God’s timing in this whole process. They said it could take up to about a year to receive a referral, but they said it could also come in a month. Thank you all for your love, support and prayers! We look forward to sharing more updates!

For the longest time I saw families throwing out things like DTC, LID and LOA. I finally asked what they all mean. DTC is dossier to country, and we just got the DTC message yesterday! Now we just wait anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks for the LID (log in date) which means China logs us in and we are in line for a referral! Then more waiting and trusting God’s timing! Then, for anyone who is curious, the LOA is the letter of acceptance from China once we accept a referral. 😀 We can’t wait to share with you all some pictures of the child you are helping to bring home!!

After four months of hard work, stress, tears and exciting adventures we finally finished our dossier! We honestly can’t express how exciting and freeing it was to send the packages out! I, Ashley, had to double, triple, and quadruple check to make sure everything was in the packages. The moment we put the dossier in the outgoing bin it was finally over! Now we begin the waiting period…

Hello everyone! We thought we’d start a blog to share funny stories, answer questions that we get from people, and just talk about what adoption is and why it is so important to us. We only have a couple posts so far, but we wanted to share the link in case anyone is interested in reading it. Evan’s post from today, 3/10, is really great!

http://evanandash.blogspot.com/

Dear “Adopt a Love Story” family,

Thank you so much for your support, kindness, and prayers as we move one step closer in the adoption. We are now in step 2 out of the 5 step process. We are pleased to announce that our home study has been completed! We will be moving into the immigration phase next, then the dossier, and then the referral. What a wonderful blessing it is to have all of you take part in this adventure with us.

Have a blessed Christmas and New Years, may God be glorified in all that we say and do!

Sincerely,

Evan and Ashley